Male Depression and Emotional Affairs: Understanding the Link
Millions of people are diagnosed with depression every year. However, there is a gender gap in recognising specific signs of this mental condition. Women are about twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression as men; at the same time, men more often prefer not to seek help or discuss their mental health in public. That’s why overlooked male depression is very common.
Due to cultural stigma, emotional suppression, and the fear of appearing weak, men become especially vulnerable not only to depression itself but also to destructive coping strategies. These include excessive drinking, substance use, overworking, self-harm, and the central issue of this article — relationship infidelity, both physical and emotional. In a study by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, 15% of women and 25% of men have admitted to having such a side relationship. Even so, the study examined all types of marital affairs (sexual and emotional), so it’s harder to distinguish the proportion of each.
Are emotional affairs more prevalent? How to spot if your partner is having one? Is there a direct link between male depression and affairs? And finally, is it possible to recover and rebuild the trust? This piece explores the connection between depression and infidelity, red flags in communication, its influence on relationships, and evidence-based treatment options.
Understanding Male Depression Beyond the Stereotypes
According to the World Health Organisation, major depressive disorder (MDD) affects approximately 332 million people. 4.6% of adult men worldwide suffer from it. Unfortunately, only one-third of people with depression receive proper mental health treatment. Moreover, a lot of cases go undiagnosed due to societal pressure, stigma, and poor self-awareness. That’s a big part of the issue.
Another challenge is gender-biased diagnostics. Current research found that in men and women, depression usually manifests differently, while diagnosis manuals often refer to female-specific symptoms. This narrows the understanding of the condition down to sadness, tiredness, hopelessness, sleep disturbances, and lack of pleasure from activities usually enjoyed. Of course, just like women, men can also experience these things. However, the range of behaviours in men that could be symptoms of depression is much broader:
- Escapist behaviour, spending a lot of time at work or on sports
- Controlling, violent, and abusive behaviour
- Excessive use of alcohol and drugs (also known as AUD, alcohol use disorder, and SUD, substance use disorder)
- Problems getting along with others, e.g. a partner or other family members
- Emotional numbness
- Thoughts of self-harm and suicidal ideation
- Irritability and anger that are hard to control
- Loss of concentration and fatigue
- Risky behaviour: reckless driving, gambling, unprotected sex
- Physical symptoms: headaches, digestive problems, pain
In addition, the picture isn’t limited to major depressive disorder. The list can include symptoms from across the broader spectrum of depressive disorders, such as dysthymia, recurrent brief depression (RBD), seasonal affective disorder (SAD), and others. Coming back to numbers, over 6 million men only in the United States suffer from different depressive disorders each year. Adult males are the most at-risk group for developing symptoms of depression and for suicide.
But why, being in a high-risk group, are men still unwilling to seek help? Due to cultural expectations: boys are told from childhood not to complain but to stay strong and self-sufficient. As a result, many lack the skills needed to cope with feelings like sadness or a sense of being lost. Instead of asking for support (also seen as “burdening” someone), men often suppress emotions or try to manage them in a masculine way.
What Counts as an Emotional Affair?
Generally, affairs can be categorised into three main types: physical, emotional, and opportunistic. Physical affairs imply ongoing sexual intimacy; opportunistic also include physical connection, but they are brief and happen because the opportunity arises (simply called “situationships”). Emotional affairs are a completely different story, though they can hurt your partner just as deeply as physical infidelity.
Emotional affairs are non-sexual relationships with the same level of emotional intimacy and bonding as romantic relationships. Usually, they begin as close friendships. Such affairs without physical contact may be wrongly labelled as platonic relationships, but there’s a clear difference between the two:
- Platonic relationships are non-romantic, supportive, and stable. The typical examples are “bromances”, “womances”, and “work spouse” connections.
- Emotional affairs include romantic bonding and sexual tension. Persons involved may find each other attractive, flirt, or share intimate information. It leads to secrecy and deception with a primary partner.
For many families, emotional affairs can be destructive and painful. Yes, “nothing has happened” in terms of physical intimacy, but the unspoken tension keeps building. When your partner starts sharing their deepest thoughts, feelings, and experiences with someone else with whom they feel increasingly emotionally intimate, it feels humiliating. This results in mutual avoidance, emotional withdrawal, a damaged sense of trust, and family breakdown.
How Depression Leads to Emotional Affairs
For men who have depression, emotional affairs are one of the coping mechanisms. They help escape from emotional void: numbness, low self-esteem, fatigue, and disorientation. Depression and self-confidence are deeply interconnected: a poor sense of self-worth often causes depression, and conversely, depression always lowers one’s self-esteem. This provokes emotional affairs to:
Seek validation
When men feel discomfort expressing themselves in a family circle, they may unconsciously seek emotional connection elsewhere — at the workplace, in hobby groups, or at sports. The goal is to find someone who appears supportive and understanding.
Avoid vulnerability
Due to stereotypes, men can consider depression a sign of weakness. Being seen as vulnerable in front of one’s own family or children feels almost unthinkable; that’s why talking with someone more emotionally distant feels less scary.
Escape isolation
On one hand, self-disclosure may seem frustrating and uncomfortable. Escaping uncomfortable conversations with a spouse or friends directly leads to social withdrawal. On the other hand, men feel its necessity. Studies suggest that if men disclose their mental distress to someone, this can reduce feelings of loneliness, which is widespread in depression.
Shift self-perception
Building a connection with someone new brings back a sense of novelty. In these “fresh” relationships, you can imagine a different version of yourself: freer, more successful… and more present.
Attachment theory is also a part of this story. People with insecure attachment styles — anxious or avoidant — are more likely to engage in emotional affairs. It is explained by unmet needs for closeness and emotional disconnection. A meta-analysis involving more than 13,000 participants found that partners with higher levels of anxiety and avoidance in attachment show significantly increased marital infidelity.
Recognising the Warning Signs
Red flags of emotional affairs are pretty similar to signs of physical infidelity: secrecy, frequent contacts and thoughts of someone, inappropriate sharing. The borderline runs along one thing — the absence of physical intimacy. Psychologist Chivonna Childs, PhD, explains how emotional cheating exhibits in men, and what signs you might notice in yourself:
- Frequent thoughts about the person outside your relationship, fixation on them
- Feeling of excitement and joy when thinking about the person
- Frequent contact, texting, or meeting in person
- Romantic or sexual fantasies about the person
- Unfairly comparing the outside person to your primary partner
- Sharing with the person intimate thoughts that you’re withholding from your partner
- Sense of mutual understanding that’s missing with the primary partner
- Increased irritability with your partner after contacting an outside person
- Problem-solving issues with the outside person instead of your partner, and discussing your relationship difficulties with the person
If you’re a partner and suspect an emotional affair, here are some behaviours to pay attention to:
- Spending less time together, because your partner is always busy somewhere
- Emotional detachment with your partner, withdrawal
- Secrecy, deleting or hiding texts, calls and posts involving the outside person
- Defensive behaviour when being questioned about the person
- Little to no interest in sexual activity within your relationship
- Emotional numbness in sexual activity, feeling “tuned out”
- Unspoken needs, absence of deep and intimate conversations with your partner
In the beginning, an emotional affair feels like you’re falling in love with someone. These “butterflies” give a long-awaited relief from low mood, hopelessness, fatigue, and other symptoms of depression. You can’t think about anyone else, you can’t sleep (wait, or is it depressive insomnia?), and it suddenly feels like no one has ever listened to you the way this person does. But then, in the aftermath, guilt and mood swings come back.
The Emotional Fallout: Impact on Partners and Families
Emotional affairs can be more damaging to monogamous relationships than physical affairs. Secrecy, defensive behaviour, withholding, and emotional intimacy with other people ruin trust between partners. In addition, cheating often causes the development of depression. A 2020 study of 232 respondents who had been cheated on in the last 3 months shows that many of them suffered from anxiety and depression as a consequence of infidelity. Another study reports that women are typically more affected by major depressive episodes (MDE) when discovering a partner’s affair.
Besides symptoms of depression, betrayed partners (as well as children and other family members) can also experience:
- Hurt and mistrust
- Emotional distancing
- Desire to separate or get a divorce
- Guilt, shame, and anger
- Difficulty forming new relationships
- Damaged self-confidence
Depending on gender, infidelity can be painful in different ways. Recent surveys with more than 63 000 participants found that men and women perceive sexual or emotional affairs differently. More than half of male respondents said that sexual infidelity felt more upsetting — 54% compared to 35% of women. For women, conversely, emotional betrayal is more challenging than physical cheating: 65% said that they would be more upset in that case (compared to 46% of men). They described an emotional affair as a sign that their partner had already left the relationship and lost interest in maintaining it.
This gender difference, however, was limited to heterosexual participants. Bisexual, gay, and lesbian survey takers didn’t report a noticeable difference between the types of affairs.
Breaking the Cycle: Prevention and Healthy Coping
Open dialogue is the key to preventing emotional affairs. Researchers found a strong link between poor communication patterns and the likelihood of emotional infidelity, so that the first step towards rebuilding trust is a conversation between partners. Emotional literacy and communication enhancement can serve as preventive tools, while exploring underlying issues helps detect relationship challenges before they become too hard to handle.
Since affairs often reflect a need for external validation, it’s important to internalise this need, either within the primary relationship or within each partner. Self-awareness practices can be helpful: journaling, daily reflection time, short meditations, naming emotions, practising vulnerability, or regular “mental health walks” outdoors. After recognising frustrating emotions and personal triggers, don’t hesitate to share them with the partner or the community support group. Sincerity, transparency, and empathy are the building blocks of healthy coping.
A safe space for sharing is often provided by support groups as well. There are several international projects, focused specifically on men’s mental health, including HeadsUpGuys and Man Therapy Community. HeadsUpGuys is a free online resource for men with depression that offers educational materials, practical tips for friends and family, recent data on suicide and depression, and contacts of mental health providers, as well as local support groups. In addition, this project provides self-check screening tools for depression, general anxiety, PTSD, stress, and other conditions.
If you’re the one who was betrayed, the first thing to do is give yourself space and time to process. The need for separation after your feelings have been dismissed is natural. Don’t force yourself to forget and forgive. Find support through friends, family members, or community groups, and if needed, consider professional psychotherapy.
Treatment, Healing, and Rebuilding Trust
Couples therapy is recommended as a primary intervention for addressing infidelity. Experts note that it provides a safe environment for partners to express their feelings and explore the root causes of an affair. Individual therapy is also an option when the goal is to delve into personal past experiences and motivations, which may provoke the behaviour.
Moreover, it’s important to address the underlying mental health condition that led to an affair — depression. The first-line treatment usually combines psychotherapy and pharmacotherapy (meds). Based on clinical evidence, two types of therapy prove their effectiveness for major depressive disorder: cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) and interpersonal therapy (IPT). Psychoeducational intervention (PEI) and supportive therapy (ST) are also used in cases of severe depression, paired with prescribed medication.
Therapists can recommend different types of antidepressants based on the patient’s medical history, symptoms, and contraindications. While selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), such as fluoxetine and sertraline, remain the gold-standard treatment for depression, other classes are also relevant:
- Serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs), such as desvenlafaxine and duloxetine
- Tricyclic Antidepressants (TCAs), such as amitriptyline and amoxapine
- Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors (MAOIs), such as phenelzine and isocarboxazid
- Atypical antidepressants targeting specific symptoms, such as bupropion and trazodone.
In most scenarios, antidepressants work by balancing the neurotransmitters in a person’s brain, mainly serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. It usually takes between 4 and 8 weeks for medications to take effect.
Another therapeutic solution capturing growing interest in the medical community is psychedelic-assisted therapy. Combined with talk therapy, carefully controlled use of psychoactive substances in clinical settings can amplify the healing effect: experts have already tested ketamine infusions for major depressive disorder and psilocybin couples therapy.
Seeking professional help is necessary for recognising early signs of mental issues — in your partner or yourself — that may affect your relationship. Firstly, medications help alleviate core symptoms of depression and maintain an emotional balance. Then psychotherapy and mental health education restore the connection with family, the partner, and the inner self. Step by step, communication strengthens trust, rebuilds intimacy, and prevents future affairs.
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