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7 Stages of Emotional Affairs: Signs, Impact, and Recovery
An emotional affair is a non-sexual, emotional connection with someone who is not your romantic partner. Unlike close friendships, emotional affairs often involve deep levels of intimacy that blur and cross healthy relationship boundaries.
Emotional affairs may start innocently, but they erode trust across multiple relationships — between partners, within friendships, and throughout families. Prevention is ideal; however, once an affair occurs, repair requires genuine emotional awareness and dedicated effort.
Assuming that emotional affairs lack the severity of physical ones couldn’t be further from the truth. For instance, a YouGov study of 1,660 British adults showed that around 15% of respondents had engaged in emotional infidelity. In contrast, a meta-analysis of over 300 studies on romantic infidelity reported emotional infidelity to have a prevalence rate of 27%. However, the rate rose to 35% when including discrete non-sexual behaviors, like going on dates, flirting, and spending time alone.
This means that non-sexual forms of infidelity were at least as, if not more, prevalent than those that are purely sexual in nature. This same work also found that electronic infidelity was on the rise, namely with the advancement of social media and the emergence of online engagement.
Addressing emotional affairs requires acknowledgement and a judgment-free, empathetic space. Most importantly, recognising that these connections typically stem from emotional disconnection rather than mere desire is crucial.
What Is an Emotional Affair?
An emotional affair involves the creation of a profound emotional attachment or bond with someone other than a significant other, while still maintaining other aspects of relationship fidelity — such as physical intimacy. An individual typically develops a level of emotional intimacy that goes beyond that shared with their primary partner.
While these relationships usually begin as friendships, they become non-platonic through emotional intensity and dependence, often involving secrecy, fantasising, and withdrawal from one’s partner.
Emotional affairs are often difficult to define because relational boundaries become blurred. They are most evident when a third party is given emotional intimacy or personal information that a primary partner does not receive, or only learns about indirectly, and when sexual tension escalates. These relationships represent distinct infidelity, not simply preludes to physical affairs.
| Type of relationship | Emotional intimacy levels | Openness about the relationship with a partner | Boundaries |
| Close Friendship | Moderate | Transparent | Clear |
| Emotional Affair | Deep and exclusive | Hidden | Blurred |
| Physical Affair | Deep and physical | Hidden | Broken |
Why Do Emotional Affairs Happen?
Infidelity in relationships occurs for a myriad of reasons — such as boredom, loneliness, sexual or emotional unfulfillment, a desire for novelty, or mere opportunity. However, the reasons for emotional infidelity are notably more complex; though, they can usually be put down to feelings of emotional distance in a relationship. Oftentimes, this distance leads to an “outsourcing” of emotional fulfillment, which, when met by another, leads to a level of emotional closeness that crosses the boundaries of the original partnership.
Essentially, these small violations of trust grow and build until the situation reaches a breaking point. Other reasons why emotional affairs occur include:
- Core or primary factors: life stressors, unmet emotional needs, relationship dissatisfaction, unresolved conflict, or frequent contact with another person that develops into an infatuation with them.
- Psychological factors: (insecure) attachment styles tend to give rise to these types of relationships, but also low self-esteem, or a desire for escapism.
- Social factors: digital intimacy caused by frequent online interactions, work proximity, or an individual seeking to resist culturally dictated norms (such as emotional suppression) and choosing a risky outlet.
| Short Reflection Prompt! |
| It’s important to note that emotional affairs usually begin as a coping mechanism, and not a calculated instance of betrayal. This isn’t to say that they are any less hurtful or traumatic. However, feelings of emotional closeness to other people besides your partner are common — particularly in long-term, committed relationships. It is also natural to find other people besides your partner attractive. What separates this from actual infidelity is the conscious pursuit of, and commitment to, these behaviors once they are noticed by you. So, take a moment and ask yourself, “When was the last time I felt emotionally understood by my partner?” If it’s hard to remember a time when you did, then a relationship inventory check is needed. |
The 7 Stages of Emotional Affairs
The most dangerous thing about emotional affairs is how quickly they can escalate. Remember, eventually all vacuums are filled, and this is just as true for emotional ones. Therefore, it is vital to take notice of any emotional drifts that occur. After all, recognising these early patterns is the best deterrent.
Stage 1. Innocent Friendship — “Just Friends”
You’ve met someone new, and they intrigue you. They could be a co-worker, an online acquaintance, or a friend you’ve recently resumed contact with. Regardless, your shared interests spark a friendship, and the randomness of it all keeps your walls down.
At first, your interactions are infrequent. But over time, your relationship evolves into something more casual. At this point, there is no desire to betray your partner. In truth, the thought doesn’t even cross your mind. The relationship is strictly platonic, and you simply enjoy the sense of comfort their company brings.
Red Flags
- You find yourself checking your messages to see if they’ve responded, and when they do, you respond immediately.
- As your interactions increase, you find yourself feeling increasingly more excited about the prospect of talking to them.
Your emotional response: Seeing them in person or their name on your phone makes you giddy, while the absence of contact can evoke a subtle but difficult-to-name sense of disappointment.
Stage 2. Emotional Bonding Begins
Before you know it, they’ve become your go-to person. There is a budding sense of trust and understanding that you don’t experience with your primary partner.
Red Flags
- Not only are they there for you when you need to vent or let out your frustrations, but they’re also more than willing to lend a keen ear to your hopes and dreams.
- As the emotional fulfillment continues to increase, the relationship starts to feel “special”.
Your emotional response: You feel “seen” in a way that you haven’t in a long time, and since you still view it as friendly, you lean into the relationship even more.
Stage 3. Secrecy and Prioritization
At this point, you might have started to notice the intensity of this new connection — maybe your partner has seen a shift in your behavior, too. However, when your partner asks you about who you’ve been speaking to or who you’ve been seeing, you instinctively downplay it to them or even lie.
You may justify the emotional closeness to yourself as a harmless flirtation or simply a strong platonic friendship. However, the fact that you are unable to be fully transparent with your partner is a sign that this relationship has already begun to blur the lines.
Red Flags
- You might have begun deleting messages or hiding them under the guise of “not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing.”
- You’ve begun to prioritize the other person over your primary partner.
- You ignore the fact that the secrecy present is detrimental to your actual relationship.
Your emotional response: You’re more irritable or distant towards your partner. In contrast, your other connection gives you an emotional rush.
Stage 4. Emotional Withdrawal from Partner
As the level of emotional involvement with this other person increases, your partner might report feeling emotionally shut out. This is because the affair person has now become your “safe emotional space.”
Red Flags
- The emotional affair is starting to noticeably impact your primary relationship due to the reinvestment of your emotional energy.
- Conversations with your partner have significantly diminished in frequency and depth.
Your emotional response: At this point, you may have started comparing your partner to the other person. You might also justify this relationship. For example, statements like “my partner just doesn’t understand me” may be a part of your internal monologue or something you state verbally to them and/or others.
Stage 5. Rationalization and Justification
At this point, you might either continue to deny the emotional affair or justify it as necessary. Perhaps you tell yourself that this new connection is the “real love” or the kind of “deep connection” you’ve been missing all along.
Red Flags
- You rationalise this connection to yourself and others when asked about it. You’re also very defensive over any allegations of cheating/may take any comments made personally.
- You might blame your partner for the affair, rather than take accountability for your own decisions and actions.
Your emotional response: You might start becoming less cautious of boundaries with your partner or an affair partner. This looks like being more careless of your actions towards them both, or acting out behaviors that you know are inappropriate.
Stage 6. Emotional Climax / Growing Discontent
This is the stage where emotions peak. The intimacy shared in the emotional affair is heightened to such a degree that its mental preoccupation is uncontainable.
Essentially, things have progressed so far that it’s impossible to ignore. A decision will need to be made, and it needs to happen soon.
Red Flags
- You fantasize about your affair partner and the life you could lead together.
- You start to entertain the possibility of taking things to the next level — including physical intimacy.
- There is a level of emotional dependence on your affair partner that is hard to ignore.
Your emotional response: By now, most justifications are meaningless, and you might experience feelings of guilt, confusion, and cognitive dissonance.
Stage 7. The Decision Point
At this juncture, a choice needs to be made — either you break off the emotional affair and confess to your partner, or you let it evolve into a physical affair and continue the deception.
Red Flags
- Having to make either of these choices causes you lean towards self-sabotage. After all, physical intimacy feels inevitable at this point, and the sunk-cost fallacy has you by the throat.
- You might start to experience physical or emotional symptoms due to the stress and distress caused by the situation.
Your emotional response: You’re emotionally exhausted from grappling with feelings of fear and guilt.
| Short Reflection Prompt! |
| While the emotional exhaustion from this situation may have peaked, it’s important to remember that major decisions should never be made in moments of emotional volatility. Additionally, it’s moments like this where honesty and an open dialogue with your partner can make or break the direction you’re headed in. So, take a beat before you act! |
The Impact of Emotional Affairs
While some people may assume the lack of physical intimacy present in emotional affairs equates to lessened feelings of betrayal, this couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, data has shown varying differences across genders, sexual orientations, and relationship commitment levels.
For instance, one study found that heterosexual women were much more likely to be significantly affected by infidelity when compared to heterosexual men, gay men, and lesbians. In contrast, another study showed that those who were more committed to their partners tended to find emotional infidelity more upsetting than physical infidelity. A different study found that women in general were much more likely to find emotional affairs distressing, whereas men were much more affected by sexual infidelity. The reason given to the researchers by the participants essentially boiled down to there being an acceptance of the sexual infidelity of men, as long as emotional loyalty remained.
Nevertheless, infidelity in general is still harmful and can substantially impact not only the relationship but every person involved, even family members.
On the primary relationship:
Emotional affairs often lead to an erosion of trust that can be extremely difficult, or even impossible, to recover. Emotional and physical intimacy tend to decline, while levels of conflict increase — the resolution of this may also be far more difficult than usual.
On the individuals themselves:
People commonly experience feelings of guilt, shame, confusion, and grief. These emotional responses may be accompanied by mental health and physical symptoms, including anxiety, depression, PTSD, sleep disturbances, and a damaged sense of oneself and their self-confidence.
On families:
Emotional affairs can create emotional distance and foster secrecy and deception, which often result in hurt feelings and a broader sense of distrust. They may also raise role-modeling concerns for children and lead to a loss of social support and networks as the family unit begins to break down.
Recognizing the Signs Early
At the end of the day, while the type of emotional involvement present in emotional affairs may feel good in the present, this is seldom true for the future. Therefore, it is vital to check in with yourself to see if the affair is something you truly desire, or if your feelings are speaking to a gap that this third party is filling.
Nevertheless, if you suspect that you or your partner is involved in an emotional affair, here is a quick checklist you can use:
“Am I Crossing a Line?” — A Quick Self-Assessment Checklist
- Signs in Yourself
- You have frequent intrusive thoughts about someone else.
- There is a significant difference in the emotional excitement you feel when you see or message them than with your partner.
- You’ve started to become more secretive — for example, deleting messages, hiding notifications, keeping your phone away when your partner is around, and selectively sharing information.
- Anything and everything your partner does irritates you.
- Signs in Your Partner
- The affection between you has decreased, and you feel a growing emotional distance from them.
- They’ve become defensive or cagey when talking about a specific friend or acquaintance.
- Their online habits have changed — for instance, they’ve changed their passcode, or they avoid being on their phone when you’re around. Alternatively, they may have started using their phone more.
- They may frequently mention a “friend” but rarely, if ever, specify who it is.
- Early Intervention Tips
- Create a safe space that is actually safe! If you truly desire a transparent relationship, you shouldn’t punish your partner for their honesty.
- Start an open and calm conversation about your feelings and boundaries. Reaffirm these boundaries, particularly when it concerns outside people.
- Hold regular relationship check-ins to discuss your needs and relationship expectations.
- Consider joint or individual counseling for guidance and support.
Healing and Moving Forward
For some people, moving on from an emotional entanglement is not possible; but for others, it is. If healing is what you desire, it is possible — although, it is seldom a linear process.
Nevertheless, here is a short list of recovery paths you can take in addition to the above, irrespective of whether or not you’re seeking couples therapy.
If You Were Involved in an Emotional Affair
- Be patient with the recovery process. Avoid being defensive, and be understanding of any heightened emotions they may experience.
- Take accountability for your actions, their impact, and any pain that has been caused.
- Ensure that the second connection is well and truly over.
If You Were the Betrayed Partner
- Process the emotional trauma you’ve experienced with support and guidance, either from a therapist or your support system.
- Prioritize your emotional well-being before attempting any reconciliation.
- Avoid any self-blame — focus on healing rather than punishing your partner.
The fact that emotional affairs come about from displaced unmet needs shouldn’t (and doesn’t) detract from the harm they inflict on people. Nor does this fact absolve anyone from taking accountability for their actions. All it means is that there is room to grow in your partnership.
So, if you’re looking to tackle emotional infidelity, be honest with yourself and your partner. Ask yourself, “Do my actions truly embody my desires, or do they represent areas of unfulfillment?” Or better yet, “Is the intimacy of this moment worth overriding the time and dedication spent in my current relationship?” From here, you can use the information outlined above to plan out your next course of action.
But regardless of where you are in your journey, please inform your partner as soon as possible. As with all things, honesty is truly the best policy.
Expert Board Member
Relationship dynamics are complex, and this article presents a roadmap for understanding emotional affairs, which can develop insidiously and can be more psychologically damaging than physical infidelity. The seven-stage framework is a key resource to help recognise warning signs early, along healing strategies that balance empathy with accountability.
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