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What Psychedelic Therapy Taught Me About Healing, Forgiveness, and Starting Over
As I lay naked on the jungle floor in Colombia, after drinking ayahuasca for the first time in my life, I saw a memory that shaped part of my life and who I am. I was two years old, left behind with family for almost a year as my parents went to the United States to build a better future. In that vision, I saw the loneliness of that child, the confusion, the longing for a mother or father to hold him, the sense of abandonment that had lived quietly in me for decades.
I was deep in la selva (jungle) with just a taita (Colombian medicine man) and a guide. As the ancestral medicine moved through me, in the same land where I was born, I began to understand. My parents hadn’t left out of neglect, they left out of love and survival. That realization softened something inside me. For the first time, I saw how that early fear of being left behind had shaped my life, not through ambition or perfectionism, but through hesitation and self-doubt. I had often held back, afraid to fail, afraid to trust, afraid to lose again. On that jungle floor, I forgave them, and myself.
Ayahuasca didn’t erase the pain, but it showed me where it came from. It showed me that healing the past is possible, even after fifty.That moment marked a footnote in this new chapter of my life where I started facing everything I had avoided for too long.
The Perfect Storm of Midlife
Turning 50 wasn’t gentle. I realized there were 50 years behind me and definitely not 50 ahead. That perspective hit hard. How many years were left, 2, 12, 22, 32? My mom is in her 80’s and thriving, but still, it made me pause.
Then the roller coaster hit full speed. First, the end of a 25-year marriage to the mother of my three kids. My kids were grown, living their lives, and I was no longer the center of theirs. Then came the final blow: I was laid off from CNN, where I had worked for more than half my adult life. The house was empty. The silence was heavy. The ambition that once defined me suddenly felt meaningless. But the hamster wheel was familiar, and part of me didn’t want to get off.
I found compassion. I forgave him. I also held my younger self and told him he was safe and loved.
II had always been the steady one, the provider, the man content to be a sailor on a big corporate ship instead of the captain of his own. Then, in my mid-fifties, I was thrown overboard. I could have slipped into that deep sea of depression, fallen into an undercurrent of anxiety, the kind that makes you wonder if your best years are behind you. I later learned that nearly one in five adults in their early fifties faces depression. Midlife often brings a wave of loss, relationships, roles, and health, and it shakes your sense of purpose.
Somewhere in that storm, I met someone who stood by me as I tried to rebuild. Her presence reminded me that love is still possible after heartbreak. And that with the right person by your side, you can be unstoppable. But healing required more than companionship. I had to face my own mind.
Finding Healing in Psychedelics
Psychedelics found me late in life. What began as a recreational curiosity evolved into a path to healing and awakening. These molecules, which, like many my age, became stigmatized and equated with the devil’s candy. But for me, they helped me address my mental health, and they have become tools for recovery and optimization.
I started with microdosing, small sub-perceptual doses of psilocybin, the active ingredient in most psychoactive mushrooms. As a journalist, I educated myself deeply and created a protocol that brought me clarity and light. From day one, the fog lifted. I felt the only thing that mattered was the present moment. Since I’ve curated microdosing protocols with LSD, which has brought different but equally powerful benefits.
Then came full journeys with psilocybin and LSD, followed by guided ceremonies with ayahuasca and Bufo, also known as 5-MeO-DMT. Each opened a new layer of understanding. These tools helped me see where my fear, anger, and shame were rooted and how to work with them, not against them.
In one mushroom session, I relived childhood nightmares of pain and anger I had buried. I was able to confront my father for his brand of discipline, and at the same time, I found compassion. I forgave him. I also held my younger self and told him he was safe and loved.
My experience with Bufo taught me that abundance is everywhere; we just have to taste it, smell it, hear it, see it, and feel it. I was reminded that every human has the right to be the god of their own kingdom. So yes, I am God.
Each experience reminded me that beneath all the labels, founder, owner, thought leader, journalist, I’m just a father, a partner, a neighbor, just a human mushroom connecting with other human mushrooms.
These experiences with these tools can be challenging. They forced me to face everything I had buried. But they gave me perspective. I’ll never forget one journey where I felt like I was dying. I couldn’t get off the ride. It was terrifying, but the message was clear: live healthier, live fully. Psychedelics softened my defenses and helped me see myself clearly.
These molecules are not for everyone, and when possible, one should talk with a caregiver before exploring them. They didn’t replace therapy or healthy habits, but they made those practices more meaningful.
Rebuilding from the Ground Up
Everywhere I looked, I read about the importance of integration after psychedelics, how that part of the process matters more than the ceremony or sitting itself. With that in mind, I rebuilt my life around three pillars, meditation, movement, and nutrition.
Meditation taught me presence. Ten minutes of stillness, listening to the birds each morning, gave me space to breathe before the noise of the day. Over time, mindfulness became my daily reset, helping me respond instead of react.
The message was clear, healing isn’t a single event. It’s a lifelong practice.
Exercise brought me back into my body. The dark moments had left me heavy and disconnected. Biking, walking my dog, stretching, and strength training rebuilt my confidence. Science supports what I felt, that exercise lowers depression and anxiety, especially in older adults.
Nutrition grounded me. I stopped craving alcohol, and since I began microdosing, I stopped drinking altogether. I focused on moderation and balance. My energy, focus, and sleep improved. I began to see food as medicine, something that nourishes both body and mind.
These practices turned healing from an idea into a daily commitment.
Heal the Past to Free Your Future
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For people with little time who want a private all-round solution to return to aliveness.
A New Challenge
Just as I started feeling strong again, a new challenge arrived. My latest blood work showed my Lp(a), a genetic marker linked to heart disease and stroke, was extremely high.
At first, I was scared and angry. After everything I had overcome, now my blood was warning me. But instead of fear, I chose awareness. Instead of anger, I took action. This wasn’t punishment; it was another invitation to care for myself.
Aging doesn’t mean giving up, it means growing into your new self.
I learned that Lp(a) can’t be changed through willpower alone, but lifestyle still matters. I focused on lowering my cholesterol, eating anti-inflammatory foods, adding omega-3s, exercising daily, and reducing stress. I practiced gratitude and worked with a caregiver who truly cares.
The message was clear: healing isn’t a single event. It’s a lifelong practice. Change doesn’t happen overnight. It happens every second. Psychedelics helped me face the past. Meditation, nutrition, and mindfulness help me face the present. This health wake-up call reminded me that wisdom isn’t what you know, it’s what you practice every day.
Life After 50
Today, I’m more alive than I’ve ever been. My fifties are not about decline, they’re about discovery. I’m not nearing my end; I’m starting again every single day.
I still have moments of doubt and sadness, but I’ve learned to sit with them instead of running away. I wake up grateful, focused, and curious.
I’ve turned my experiences into purpose, helping others over 50 see that midlife is not the end. It’s a powerful new beginning. Your perspective can define your mental health. Whether through therapy, mindfulness, plant medicine, cold plunges, dancing, or nature —- there are many paths to healing. Aging doesn’t mean giving up, it means growing into your new self.
I’m more connected to my partner, my kids, my parents, my family, my friends and my work than ever. I’ve found meaning not in chasing success but in cultivating wisdom, through love, service, and presence.
When I think back to that night in the jungle, lying naked on the earth with mosquitos biting places they shouldn’t, I realize that breaking open is better than breaking down. The child in me finally felt seen. The man I am now understands that healing isn’t about returning to who I was, it’s about remembering who I’ve always been.
Life in my fifties is teaching me that wholeness doesn’t come from avoiding pain and fear but from facing them. Whether it’s childhood trauma or a high Lp(a) level reminding me to care for my body, every challenge holds a message.
I’ve started cultivating health, peace, and purpose. I’m still learning, still healing, still showing up for myself and for others on the same path, all in pursuit of better mental health.
It’s never too late to start again. The body can heal. The mind can change. The heart can open. At 50, 60, or 80, there’s always another chapter waiting to be written.
Through his platforms Cultivating Wisdom, Microdosing Over 50 and the Love You Wealth podcast, Cesar empowers people, especially those in midlife, to rediscover purpose, creativity, and balance through microdosing, mindfulness, and self-awareness. His mission is to show that wisdom, healing, and transformation are possible at any age.
To support Cesar's work in the psychedelic community, check out this auction for a signed shirt by 50 notable figures in the psychedelic ecosystem. Proceeds to be donated to nonprofits advancing equitable access to psychedelic healing and education.
Heal the Past to Free Your Future
Netherlands For people with little time who want a private all-round solution to return to aliveness.
Expert Board Member
This article is a helpful road map for starting slowly and building a relationship with plant/psychedelic medicines. Many people want to dive straight into the deeper psychic waters with more potent medicines like Ayahuasca. But the truth is, most people's nervous systems are not ready for that type of experience. You are better served starting slow, getting familiar with altered states, and letting your journeys progress bit by bit.
