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Does Couples Therapy Really Work?
Couples therapy can help people in romantic relationships resolve conflicts, improve their connection, and gain a deeper understanding of themselves and each other.
While people may seek couples therapy to save a relationship that’s on the rocks, it’s also useful for preventative maintenance. For instance, it can be helpful to have a mediator involved when navigating conversations about divisive topics like finances and intimacy.
But does couples therapy actually work? Ahead, we’ll dive into everything you need to know about couples therapy — and how to decide if it’s right for you.
What Does “Working” Actually Mean in Couples Therapy?
When you wonder if marriage counseling “works,” what does “working” actually mean? Some possible positive outcomes of couples therapy include improved communication, enhanced emotional intimacy, better conflict resolution, increased trust, and improved mental health, according to research in the journal Psychotherapy1.
However, it’s important to remember that the success of marriage counseling doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll end up staying together. For instance, even if you and your partner split up afterward, maybe your therapist helped you gain a deeper understanding of who you are, what you value, and what you ultimately want from a relationship. Redefining success matters for realistic expectations.
What Does the Research Say?
According to research in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy2, about 70 percent of couples report improvement in their relationship after going to marriage counseling. This number is higher when couples receive Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)3 — a well-established approach to couples therapy that uses attachment theory to create connection.
Research in the Annual Review of Clinical Psychology4 states that 60 to 80 percent of distressed couples improve their situations with emotion-focused approaches.
In addition to EFT, there’s also the Gottman Method for couples therapy, which helps couples learn to replace negative conflict patterns with positive interactions and to repair past wounds. Research in the Iranian Journal of Psychiatry5 found that couples who were treated with the Gottman method improved their intimacy and overall marital relationship. Additionally, an article in the Journal of Marital Family Therapy6 supports the use of the Gottman method in couples therapy and finds it to be effective.
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It’s important to note that couples therapy doesn’t immediately work — it takes some time. While it depends on the severity of the issues you need to work through, most therapists do 12 sessions with couples to achieve results, according to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. And an article in the Journal of Family Psychology7 says relationships may improve after one to four sessions.
While the stats on marriage counseling seem promising, variability between couples means it might not work for everyone. A review in the Annual Review of Clinical Psychology4 found that less than half of couples have less of a response to treatment. And a study in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology8 found 26 to 28 percent of couples are divorced after five years.
Why Couples Therapy Can Be Effective
There are many reasons why couples therapy works. Marriage counselors work to teach both people in the relationship how to identify unhealthy patterns they’ve fallen into, rebuild trust, learn new and healthy communication skills to help resolve conflicts, and improve intimacy, according to the Cognitive Behavior Institute.
Relationship therapy works best if you and your partner practice these skills outside of your therapy sessions to ensure you can apply them when conflict arises in the real world, not just inside a controlled environment like a therapist’s office. Plus, the more you practice, the better you’ll get at using them. Think of it like school homework: Sure, you can be taught a concept in class and have your teacher there to answer questions, but home is where you practice the concept over and over to ensure you can do it on your own.
You and your partner need to do the work for couples therapy to be successful — your therapist won’t do it all for you. In fact, they should maintain total neutrality and observe what’s going on without taking sides or telling anyone what to do.
“The reason for neutrality is that if the therapist maintains an observing stance in relation to these conflicting forces, the patient will be more likely to join the therapist in observing, reflecting upon, and eventually solving his or her problems,” write the authors of a research article in Psychiatry Online9.
Who Tends to Benefit Most from Couples Therapy?
Anyone can benefit from couples therapy — those who are dating, living together, engaged, or married, those who are in new or long-term relationships, and those who are part of the LGBTQ+ community.
Common reasons couples may seek therapy include reoccurring problems, communication breakdowns, intimacy issues, financial stress, infidelity, substance abuse, or major life transitions (like parenthood, relocation, or deaths/illnesses), according to Harvard Health10.
But you don’t need to be having relationship problems to benefit from couples therapy. Seeking counseling can be helpful in preventing future conflicts by building a strong foundation and improving your bond when issues arise.
What to Expect from the Couples Therapy Process
Going to couples counseling may seem daunting at first, so it’s helpful to know what to expect. Your initial sessions are all about assessment and goal-setting, according to the Gottman Institute. Your therapist needs to get a sense of how you and your partner interact, what your personalities are like, and what you hope to get out of couples therapy in order for them to help you.
Once that’s established and a plan is set in place, your therapist will help you and your partner identify patterns of conflict and work on skills that will help solve said conflicts in a healthy way.
It’s important to note that there’s an emphasis on collaboration and not one person being right or “winning,” during this process, according to the University of Oklahoma. It’s not about assigning blame, it’s about working together to resolve conflict.
When Couples Therapy May Not Work
It’s important to understand that there are instances where couples therapy may not work, according to the American Psychological Association (APA). Common barriers to success include:
- Situations where there’s domestic violence, addiction, or serious mental health issues (like extremely manipulative behavior)
- Situations where one or both partners are unwilling to change or have big differences in life goals (like one partner wants children and the other doesn’t)
- Situations where there are cultural, religious, or ethnic differences
- Situations where one partner has already decided they’re done with the relationship
If couples counseling doesn’t end up working for you, that’s not always a bad thing. Seeking help from a therapist can ensure you and your partner separate in a healthier way than if you weren’t working with a therapist. Plus, you can take what you’ve learned in couples therapy and apply it to other areas of your life. For instance, maybe you realized you’re too hard on others and you want to work on having more empathy for your family, friends, and coworkers.
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Long-Term Impact of Couples Therapy
There are long-term impacts of couples therapy that extend beyond your relationship with your partner. Learning how to regulate your emotions and navigate conflict can lead to better communication with everyone you interact with in your daily life.
When skills learned in couples therapy are maintained, it can lead to a whole host of benefits11. These include the ability to approach future challenges that come up in everyday life with kindness and confidence and the ability to have a better understanding of people’s feelings, perspectives, and needs.
For instance, maybe you manage an employee at work who’s been showing up late and not doing their work to the best of their ability. Before going to couples therapy, you might have snapped at them and threatened a demotion. After couples therapy, you might decide to have a calm chat with them where you learn their mother just passed away, and you give them time off to grieve.
How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy
To get the most out of couples therapy, it’s important to have a goal in mind that you want to achieve, be honest and fully yourself, practice skills between sessions, and be patient with the process.
It’s also imperative to choose a qualified, evidence-based therapist. Look for someone who’s licensed in your state and is covered by your insurance (if that matters to you), according to the APA. Once you’ve done that and have a list of contenders, call them to find out if they have experience dealing with your concerns and if they use evidence-based treatment.
And remember, once you’ve chosen a therapist, it’s okay to reassess and choose another one if you realize your current one isn’t fitting your needs.
Couples therapy is effective — especially if your therapist uses EFT or the Gottman Method. Getting couples counseling with emotional-focused approaches statistically results in a 60 to 80 percent success rate, especially when both partners are willing to put in the work.
However, couples therapy is a tool for navigating conflict and creating deeper connections — not a guarantee. In serious situations where there’s domestic violence or addiction, or if one partner already has one foot out the door, couples counseling is less likely to work.
Your relationship doesn’t have to be already in crisis mode to reap the benefits of couples therapy, though. Many couples use it as a way to prevent major issues in the future. If you’re interested in couples therapy or are unsure whether or not it’s right for you and your partner, calling around to local qualified therapists can help guide you in the right direction.
FAQ
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Couples therapy can do more than just improve your relationship. It can also improve emotional regulation, develop conflict-resolution skills, and better understand your attachment style. This article will help you figure out if couples therapy will work for you, determine which evidence–based approaches are best, and also uncover the situations where it’s less effective.
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